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Time Change
Extra hour today
Or so it seems this morning
Precious and fleeting
There is a curious phenomenon that happens when people survive a great loss, after the numbness of grief begins to subside there seems to be a primal need to begin to make sense of the loss, in a way Viktor Frankel wrote about this over 60 years ago in his book, Man's Search for Meaning and NPR explored this need in their story about finding meaning the death of a child. I encourage you to think back about your own losses, have you found a way to create meaning in your life informed by your darkest times? This is the essence of resilience...shifting from mourning to meaning making.
Hilary's Heirloom Tomato Pie 
It's that time of year again...when our local CSA (community supported agriculture), First Root Farm opens for the season. For the past several years, beginning the first week of June and ending around Thanksgiving, we have enjoyed a new way of eating....only local, seasonal vegetables. This is more of a challenge than first imagined, but always a wonderful exercise in mindfulness and curiosity. One cannot get too comfortable with tried and true recipes. Let's be honest, how many times have you needed to figure out what to do with kohlrabi at 6 pm? Looking forward to lots of mindful cooking, thanks to our farmers, Laura and Nina.
Kindness
(Naomi Shihab Nye)
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
As news of the horrific events in Newtown, Connecticut unfolded on Friday and over the weekend; 20 first grade students and 6 school staff murdered by a mentally ill young adult, my thoughts turned to those left behind...the families, friends and classmates. How will they begin to heal after suffering such unimaginable pain? I don't have any profound answers; I am without adequate words to comfort or explain such loss. After the memorial services have been held and the news media have moved on to new disasters, how will the broken hearts in Newtown begin to heal?Sunday, November 6, 2011 ~ Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston, MA
"The only whole heart is a broken one...it lets the light in" ~Rabbi David Wolpe"There are few choices afforded to us in how to survive the loss of a child. Well meaning friends, relatives and professionals may advise us "not to let this tragedy define who we are", but I will have to respectfully disagree with this advice. The tragedy of losing a child is a life changing event like no other: We are confronted with not only the loss of one we deeply love, but with the loss of our future as we had envisioned. We are shaken to the very core of our existence and essence. Yes, this event will define us for the rest of our lives whether we want it to or not.When our loss is new, it is unfamiliar and terrifying in its intensity. I vividly remember waking up the morning after Nick died and being absolutely amazed and incredulous that the sun had the audacity to rise, that the school bus continued on its scheduled route down my street, that people went to the grocery store, commuted to work and that the mail was delivered...the outside world continued to function as if nothing had occurred. It was a surreal scene. Because for me it was as if a nuclear bomb had been detonated. The world as I had known it had been destroyed with the death of my son. My world now was defined as a new normal even though I wished desperately for the old normal to return.Rabbi and author, David Wolpe, aptly describes the feeling of new loss in this way "When we experience a loss, a hole opens up inside of us. It is almost as if the loss itself plows right through us, leaving us gasping for air" and we bleed profusely through this opening. During the early days, months and years after our loss, we focus on how to slow down this hemorrhage, this continuous emptying of grief. But then something begins to change, very, very slowly; the immediate agony subsides. Around the edges of that opening, things begin to heal and scar tissue begins to form. This is the point at which we can choose how the tragedy of our loss will continue to define our lives...we can choose to allow the scar tissue to continue to form and thicken, closing the hole within us -- hardening us to the world with the unfairness and unjustness of our loss; or we can choose to allow the hole to remain open, allowing not only the stream of grief to flow out but permitting light, hope and meaning to enter. I have chosen to allow the hole within me to remain open and this is one of the gifts my son has given me.Rabbi Wolpe suggests that "The only whole heart is a broken one, it lets the light shine in." Allowing the hole to remain open, has allowed me to be a more compassionate person to others and myself, perhaps a bit less judgmental and more empathetic than I was in my old normal. Keeping the hole open has made it easier for me to prioritize what really matters and not what I think should matter -- it now OK to say no to mundane tasks and yes to things that feed my soul. I do not fear many things now -- after all the worst has happened to me, so what do I have to be fearful of now? And most important, by keeping the hole open, continuing to allow the grief out and the light in, I am able to hold Nick and the meaning of his life close.So, perhaps I have what the professionals call a "maladaptive coping strategy", but I embrace the notion that yes, I have let this tragedy define me in a way I never imaged would be possible; by allowing my heart to remain broken, and open, it is, in my new normal, whole once more.".
For several years I have been pleased to donate my blog space over the Thanksgiving weekend to a wonderful project: Engage with Grace. For me end of life discussions are not an abstract concept, as I have journeyed with both family members and clients down this path. Talking about end of life is not easy, but it does not need to be the taboo subject that it is currently in our culture. If in less than a generation we have shifted our cultural norms on other topics that certainly were never discussed in the past: cancer, erectile dysfunction, birth control, and feminine hygiene products then certainly we can start a revolution to normalize the discussion about end of life decision making!Let's start a revolution: Engage with GraceEngage With Grace This Holiday Season"One of our favorite things we ever heard Steve Jobs say is… ‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.’
We love it for three reasons:
- It reminds all of us that living with intention is one of the most important things we can do.
- It reminds all of us that one day will be our last.
- It’s a great example of how Steve Jobs just made most things (even things about death – even things he was quoting) sound better.
Most of us do pretty well with the living with intention part – but the dying thing? Not so much.And maybe that doesn’t bother us so much as individuals because heck, we’re not going to die anyway!! That’s one of those things that happens to other people….Then one day it does – happen to someone else. But it’s someone that we love. And everything about our perspective on end of life changes.If you haven’t personally had the experience of seeing or helping a loved one navigate the incredible complexities of terminal illness, then just ask someone who has. Chances are nearly 3 out of 4 of those stories will be bad ones – involving actions and decisions that were at odds with that person’s values. And the worst part about it? Most of this mess is unintentional – no one is deliberately trying to make anyone else suffer – it’s just that few of us are taking the time to figure out our own preferences for what we’d like when our time is near, making sure those preferences are known, and appointing someone to advocate on our behalf.The holidays are a time for gathering, for communing, and for thinking hard together with friends and family about the things that matter. Here’s the crazy thing - in the wake of one of the most intense political seasons in recent history, one of the safest topics to debate around the table this year might just be that one last taboo: end of life planning. And you know what? It’s also one of the most important.Here’s one debate nobody wants to have – deciding on behalf of a loved one how to handle tough decisions at the end of their life. And there is no greater gift you can give your loved ones than saving them from that agony. So let’s take that off the table right now, this weekend. Know what you want at the end of your life; know the preferences of your loved ones. Print out this one slide with just these five questions on it.Have the conversation with your family. Now. Not a year from now, not when you or a loved one are diagnosed with something, not at the bedside of a mother or a father or a sibling or a life-long partner…but NOW. Have it this holiday season when you are gathered together as a family, with your loved ones. Why? Because now is when it matters. This is the conversation to have when you don’t need to have it. And, believe it or not, when it’s a hypothetical conversation – you might even find it fascinating. We find sharing almost everything else about ourselves fascinating – why not this, too? And then, one day, when the real stuff happens? You’ll be ready.Doing end of life better is important for all of us. And the good news is that for all the squeamishness we think people have around this issue, the tide is changing, and more and more people are realizing that as a country dedicated to living with great intention – we need to apply that same sense of purpose and honor to how we die.One day, Rosa Parks refused to move her seat on a bus in Montgomery County, Alabama. Others had before. Why was this day different? Because her story tapped into a million other stories that together sparked a revolution that changed the course of history.Each of us has a story – it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. We work so hard to design a beautiful life – spend the time to design a beautiful end, too. Know the answers to just these five questions for yourself, and for your loved ones. Commit to advocating for each other. Then pass it on."
Sustainable resilience...I love the concept of being able to bounce back from challenges and adversity time and time again. But often it is the little things that wear away our resilience, like water wears away stone: the traffic jam on the way to work, the parking space that disappears before our eyes, running late and realizing that you left your phone on the kitchen counter, etc etc. Slowly, invisibly wearing us down drop by drop. One way to help ourselves create a more sustainable resilience is to cultivate mindful moments amidst the trials and tribulations. And so it was for me today...finding incredible beauty on my long walk from a very remote parking space at UMass Boston. These photos were taken on the UMass Boston campus near the Massachusetts Archives Building, sights I never would have seen if I had snagged that first close parking spot.
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| Stemmed Concord grapes |
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| Separating the skin from the pulp of the Concord grapes |
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| Concord Grape Pie |
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| Concord Grape Pie |
"You are the bows from which your children
Here are the finished "tangles" we made at the June Meditation Maintenance Session.