For several years I have been pleased to donate my blog space over the Thanksgiving weekend to a wonderful project:
Engage with Grace. For me end of life discussions are not an abstract concept, as I have journeyed with both family members and clients down this path
. Talking about end of life is not easy, but it does not need to be the taboo subject that it is currently in our culture. If in less than a generation we have shifted our cultural norms on other topics that certainly were never discussed in the past: cancer, erectile dysfunction, birth control, and feminine hygiene products then certainly we can start a revolution to normalize the discussion about end of life decision making!
This year I am expanding my participation in
Engage with Grace to include the entire holiday season, not only Thanksgiving weekend. Let's begin changing the culture by making it a priority to ask and listen to your friends and family about end of life wishes before we ring in 2013.
Engage With Grace This Holiday Season
"One of our
favorite things we ever heard Steve Jobs say is… ‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday
you'll most certainly be right.’
We love it for three reasons:
- It reminds all of us that living
with intention is one of the most important things we can do.
- It reminds all of us that one day
will be our last.
- It’s a great example of how Steve
Jobs just made most things (even things about death – even things he was quoting)
sound better.
Most of us do pretty well with the living with intention part –
but the dying thing? Not so much.
And maybe that doesn’t bother us so much as individuals because
heck, we’re not going to die anyway!! That’s one of those things that happens
to other people….
Then one day it does – happen to someone else. But it’s someone that we love. And everything about our perspective on end
of life changes.
If you haven’t personally had the experience of seeing or helping
a loved one navigate the incredible complexities of terminal illness, then just
ask someone who has. Chances are nearly
3 out of 4 of those stories will be bad ones – involving actions and decisions
that were at odds with that person’s values.
And the worst part about it? Most of this mess is unintentional – no one
is deliberately trying to make anyone else suffer – it’s just that few of us
are taking the time to figure out our own preferences for what we’d like when
our time is near, making sure those preferences are known, and appointing
someone to advocate on our behalf.
The holidays are a time for gathering, for communing, and for thinking
hard together with friends and family about the things that matter. Here’s the crazy thing - in the wake of one of
the most intense political seasons in recent history, one of the safest topics
to debate around the table this year might just be that one last taboo: end of
life planning. And you know what? It’s also one of the most important.
Here’s one debate nobody wants to have – deciding on behalf of a
loved one how to handle tough decisions at the end of their life. And there is
no greater gift you can give your loved ones than saving them from that
agony. So let’s take that off the table
right now, this weekend. Know what you
want at the end of your life; know the preferences of your loved ones. Print
out this one slide with just these five questions on it.
Have the conversation with your family. Now. Not
a year from now, not when you or a loved one are diagnosed with something, not
at the bedside of a mother or a father or a sibling or a life-long partner…but
NOW. Have it this holiday season when
you are gathered together as a family, with your loved ones. Why? Because now is when it matters. This is
the conversation to have when you don’t need to have it. And, believe it or not, when it’s a
hypothetical conversation – you might even find it fascinating. We find sharing almost everything else about
ourselves fascinating – why not this, too? And then, one day, when the real stuff
happens? You’ll be ready.
Doing end of life better is important for all of us. And the good news is that for all the
squeamishness we think people have around this issue, the tide is changing, and
more and more people are realizing that as a country dedicated to living with
great intention – we need to apply that same sense of purpose and honor to how
we die.
One day, Rosa Parks refused to
move her seat on a bus in Montgomery County, Alabama. Others had before. Why was this day
different? Because her story tapped into
a million other stories that together sparked a revolution that changed the
course of history.
Each of us has a story – it has
a beginning, a middle, and an end. We
work so hard to design a beautiful life – spend the time to design a beautiful
end, too. Know the answers to just these
five questions for yourself, and for your loved ones. Commit to advocating for each other. Then pass it on."
Let's start a revolution: Engage with Grace
